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| From | Message | Posted by kestutis
mailcafe.net
4/16/2008
23:24:07
Play online chess |  Subject: Chess jokes
Message:
How about some jokes related to chess?
I found one that made me laugh outloud:
"So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov - Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!"
| Posted by chessnovice
mailcafe.net
4/17/2008
03:10:18
Play online chess | always been my favorite
Message:
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
| Posted by taufiq
mailcafe.net
4/17/2008
04:37:56
Play online chess | ...
Message:
A chess master died at his chessboard - and after a few days, a good friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
"What's it like, where you are now," he asked.
"What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, it's really heaven here. There are chess tournaments with incredible classical, rapids and blitz sessions going on all the time 24/7 with Morphy, Stenitz, Pillsbury, Dr. Lasker, Capablanca, Alekhine, Dr. Euwe, Botvinnik, Bronstein, Tal, Petrosian, they're all here, and you can play any one of them at anytime."
"Fantastic!" the friend said, "so what is the bad news?"
"You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday."
———
Gelfand Wins World Chess Cup — Boris Gelfand of Israel is the 2009 World Cup champion. Gelfand won the title by beating Ruslan Ponomariov of Ukraine in a playoff on Monday. The first four games of the playoff were rapid games (25 minutes per player per game) and Gelfand took the lead by winning the second game. But Ponomariov, with his back to the wall, won the last rapid game to tie the match up again. The playoff then went to blitz chess (5 minutes per player per game) and Gelfand once again took the lead by beating Ponomariov in the first game when he managed to trap Ponomariov’s queen in 21 moves. Ponomariov rallied again, winning the second game. But Gelfand won the third and Ponomariov ...
Posted by akisame
mailcafe.net
4/17/2008
06:03:45
Play online chess | . . .
Message:
Beating your friend at chess - fun.
Beating Chewbacca at chess - wookie mistake.
———
A tragic knight — The London Chess Classic, a fabulously organized eight-player elite tournament, shaped up as a confrontation between two great chess grandmasters, the top-rated Magnus Carlsen of Norway and the former world chess champion Vladimir Kramnik of Russia. By the luck of draw, they met in the first round, and Carlsen won. The Norwegian GM was still in a clear lead on Sunday with four points in five rounds, a full point ahead of Kramnik. U.S. chess champion Hikaru Nakamura drew four games and lost one. The tournament concludes Tuesday. The Carlsen-Kramnik duel looked like a perfectly played game by the Norwegian, who took advantage of Kramnik's stranded knight. "If one piece is ...
Posted by akisame
mailcafe.net
4/17/2008
06:22:07
Play online chess | . . .
Message:
A seaside town was hosting a world caliber chess tournament. Two days into the tournament, one of the competitors, finished with his game, decides to go for a swim. After a few minutes, he is heard crying out; it is discovered that a shark has taken a bite out of his leg. Everyone is alarmed, but assurances are given that the shark will be found, and it was after all small bite.
The next day another tournament player goes swimming, and his leg also has a bite taken out of it. Same thing the third day. Strangely, though there are other people at the beach, it is only the chess players that are being nibbled.
In an effort to assure the public and keep the tournament from collapsing, a strong net is placed around the beach and the queen is asked if she can intervene. "It is well known that you play chess, your Majesty. There is a protective net up now, and if you can swim safely, then the players will be reassured and the people can feel comfortable on our beaches again. The queen agrees, and goes for a quick swim. She has been out for only a minute when she yelps. She is quickly pulled out of the water, and her leg inspected. Lo and behold, another shark bite. This time however, it appears the shark dd not remove any flesh. The public is told tha queen has emerged in one piece.
The tabloids cannot resist the story.
The next day's headlines read "Queen's gam bit, declined."
———
A Game Lasts 163 Moves, and That's Not Even a Record — Chess professionals are conditioned to games that take four to five hours and last about 50 moves, but occasionally play lasts much longer and the contest becomes a war of attrition. That is what happened between Nigel Short and Luke McShane of England in the first round of the London Chess Classic, which started on Tuesday. McShane, who had White, got a tiny advantage out of the opening, but Short defended well, and after 60 moves it seemed as if the game would end in a draw. But McShane, 25, persisted and Short, 44, was forced to continue to defend. It took McShane seven hours, and 163 moves, but he finally broke Short and forced him to resign. That ...
Posted by ionadowman
mailcafe.net
4/17/2008
13:49:09
Play online chess | The rivalry...
Message:
... between Aleksandr Alekhine and Efim Bogoljobov was as intense as any the chessboard had seen, and the vitriol was never far from the surface. Finally, in exasperation, Alekhine told this story:
"Last night, I had a dream... I dreamed I had died, and was wafted to the gates of heaven. There I stood at the Pearly Gates accosted by St Peter, who asked my who I was.
Says I, 'I am Aleksandr Aleksandrovitch Alekhine, Chess Champion of the World!'
'Chess Champion!" says St Peter, "We don't allow chess players to enter the Kingdom of Heaven! To the nether place you must go!'
Well, feeling disconsolate, I was about to turn away, when who should drift by but Bogoljobov, complete with angel wings and halo, plinking a harp and floating on a cloud.
'Hang on a moment!" says I, "What about Bogoljubov here? He's a chess player and you let him in!'
'Bogojubov a chess player?" quoth the Saintly Doorkeeper,
'Nah! He just thinks he is!' "
Cheers,
Ion
———
Soviet training methods still reign in the chess world — Two decades after the USSR broke up, Soviet training methods remain potent at the chess board. When the field of 128 was reduced to the quarter-finals in the current World Chess Cup, all eight grandmasters remaining had their education from Soviet coaches. The final four-game match now in progress to decide who qualifies for the 2010 candidates is between Ukraine's Ruslan Ponomariov, who won the 2002 World Cup as a teenager, and Boris Gelfand, the 41-year-old top seed. In the semi-finals Ponomariov beat Vlad Malakhov 4-2 while Gelfand eliminated Sergey Karjakin 2-0. In both the semi-final and in the game below the Israeli chess veteran defeated ...
Posted by tag1153
mailcafe.net
4/18/2008
08:43:42
Play online chess | as told by Capablanca
Message:
"I was playing in a tournament in Germany one year when a man approached me. Thinking he just wanted an autograph, I reached for my pen, when the man made a startling announcement. 'I've solved chess!' I sensibly started to back away, in case the man was dangerous as well as insane, but the man continued: 'I'll bet you 50 marks that if you come back to my hotel room I can prove it to you.' Well, 50 marks was 50 marks, so I humored the fellow and accompanied him to his room."
"Back at the room, we sat down at his chess board. 'I've worked it all out, white mates in 12 no matter what.' I played black with perhaps a bit incautiously, but I found to my horror that white's pieces coordinated very strangely, and that I was going to be mated on the 12th move!"
"I tried again, and I played a completely different opening that couldn't possibly result in such a position, but after a series of very queer-looking moves, once again I found my king surrounded, with mate to fall on the 12th move. I asked the man to wait while I ran downstairs and fetched Emmanuel Lasker, who was world champion before me. He was extremely skeptical, but agreed to at least come and play. Along the way we snagged Alekhine, who was then world champion, and the three of us ran back up to the room."
"Lasker took no chances, but played as cautiously as could be, yet after a bizarre, pointless-looking series of maneuvers, found himself hemmed in a mating net from which there was no escape. Alekhine tried his hand, too, but all to no avail."
"It was awful! Here we were, the finest players in the world, men who had devoted our very lives to the game, and it was all over! The tournaments, the matches, everything - chess had been solved, white wins."
About this time Capa's friends would break in, saying "Wait a minute, I never heard anything about all this! What happened?"
"Why, we killed him, of course."
———
Bennett and King on chess: Carlsen-Nakamura, BNbank Blitz, 2009 — The London Chess Classic, the strongest chess tournament to be held in this country for 25 years, begins today at Olympia. Magnus Carlsen, the brilliant 19-year-old Norwegian, is one of the favourites, but he was dealt a psychological blow when he lost to one of the other participants, US chess champion Hikaru Nakamura, in a blitz tournament in Oslo 10 days ago. Carlsen played the classier chess, but Nakamura proved to be the better hustler. This was the game that turned the match around. Carlsen is threatening to queen the pawn, but Nakamura, with just a few seconds on his clock, found a win. RB: One of the first chess books I owned was Practical Chess Endings by ...
Posted by caro-kann
mailcafe.net
4/23/2008
03:28:11
Play online chess | A horrible joke ;)
Message:
One weekend, a major chess tournament was held between lots of players. Each player played 4 games against everyone else in their group, then the winners of each group would do the same against each other. In the final match, the winner easily defeated the loser 4-0. However, this sort of tournament takes a long time, and goes from morning to afternoon. Lunch is served between games.
The press come in to congratulate the winner and to interview him. The first few questions go along swimmingly, however, the next question is not fully heard. The winner's reply is though :
I started out with two Fried Livers - really robust, strong openers - even I was surprised at my own audacity to try it. In the middle, I had a nice King's Indian - every piece complemented each other thorougly, with lots of depth in the preparation - a true flash of brilliance. To finish it off, I decided on the Danish. It was an interesting thing - the many layers and discoveries that were made. It was a sweet ending.
To answer your question, I thoroughly enjoyed that particular lunch.
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